Paramour
by iLoveless4ev
Summary: How can one find love in the midst of a war of that which the Galaxy has never beheld? Daily drabbles explaining the hardships faced between two brothers-in-arms as they attempt to establish a mutual love that both have been dancing around for years. Renegade!Shep trying to be Paragon. Done for the 30 Day's of Writing Challenege.
1. Beginning

_**Day One: Beginning**_

As the Normandy flew away from the devastation that was London, EDI and Kaidan limped from the shuttle bay to the top floor of the Normandy; Shepard's Quarters.

EDI carefully laid Kaidan onto the velvety comforter and proceeded to unlatch his hardsuit. With medi-gel in hand, she slathered the goo on the more bruised areas of his ribs and chest.

Kaidan's eye were rimmed with red, his body was wracking underneath EDI's touch violently. No, it wasn't because of the cold, wet feeling the medi-gel possessed, it came from the despair that hung tight in his throat. From the feel of desolation that consumed and swallowed up his will to live through this. If only he would've moved out of the way quicker, if only his mind would have reacted to the threat sooner, he would have still been with the ground team, making that final push, with Shepard.

Shepard…

Kaidan groaned underneath his breath, attempting to force himself to calm down and let EDI treat the damage dealt to him. But he couldn't lie still. Every time his eyes shut, Shepard's brilliant blue eyes continued to bore into his very soul, tearing it apart as he professed his love to Kaidan, taking his cheek into his hand and relishing in that last moment for what almost seemed an eternity. The radiant warmth of Shepard's hand had left as quickly as it came. Kaidan reached out to his Commander-his lover- as Shepard ran from the ship, signaling it to take off and leave, Kaidan wore such a grimace, it tugged at Shepard's heart strings as he took one final glance back.

Kaidan's breathing picked up speed and his pulse thumped at an alarming rate. As soon as his eyes snapped wide open, EDI had absconded from the deck and he was left alone, hand clutching at his chest, heart beating wildly in his ears.

And at that moment, Kaidan fully broke down.

He slumped off of the bed, sobs fighting their way out of his throat. He walked around the cabin in circles, (not even taking into account that he was just in briefs and at a moments notice someone could barge right inside) trying so hard to let the gentle hum of the aquarium ease his hyper-active thoughts.

What was happening down there?

How many causalities have been inflicted upon the ground team already?

Was Shepard safe..

Was Shepard still alive..

Was Shepard-

The sharp, sudden shift in gravity sent Kaidan flying backwards, back hitting the glass of the Aquarium. He repressed the urge to cry out from the intense pain that ran up and down his spine, the medi-gel working it's charm to subside the ache. Kaidan shakily stood up and soon became aware of Joker's panicked ridden voice on the over-com.

Kaidan limped to Shepard's closet and slipped on his fatigues. Tears of anguish began to well up and sting the corners of his eyes. He'd never forget that scent Shepard always wore. Sweet as honey but musky all the same…

Joker's urgent calls interrupted Kaidan's musings and he proceeded to limp toward the elevator to the CIC.

—

When the doors opened, the deck was flooded with hysteria. The crew members were scurrying around the large holo-table while Kaidan fought his way through to the cockpit, becoming increasingly frustrated with his lax movements.

When he finally made his way to Joker, he looked over his shoulder and saw the massive red explosion that was traveling fast behind the Normandy.

"What's going on Joker?" Kaidan tried to say, but his tongue felt like lead and his lips were dry. He could only look around in distress as the Normandy's FTL drives weren't seeming to be fast enough to out run what was a mere hundred yards behind them.

All at once, time seemed to slow as the ship was pulled into the massive hole that was the explosion.

This was it.

The impact of the Normandy being sucked into the explosion jarred the others standing in the tight space of the cockpit. The last thing Kaidan saw before a curtain of black covered his eyes, was EDI, shouting at Joker in mid-sentence, suddenly slump forward into her passenger seat.

He could barely breathe.

The tightness in his chest made certain of that.

Through the fuzzy darkness that was his vision, Kaidan could feel his lips twitch into a smile.

Almost certain that these were his last few moments, almost certain that behind the veil that clouded his eyes, Shepard would be there, waiting for him, just as he said before the battle ensued.

Almost certain that he would be in peace with Shepard in just mere moments.

Almost certain that this would be the beginning of what he'd always dreamed.

A life with the man he loved more than life itself, eternity presented to them both, no distractions, no weight of the galaxy on either of their shoulders.

Just the two of them, in perfect peace.


	2. Accusation

**_Day Two: Accusation_**

Commander Shepard's pupils shone a deep, incandescent red hue. Eyebrows knitted together in fury, hands clenched painfully tight at his sides, knuckles stark white from pressure. His trial, limited to the presence of the Alliance's Admirals and the Council, did not pan out as he expected.

Returning to the Citadel as a hero to the millions of lives spared from the collectors, Shepard had already known he would run into problems with the Alliance. His return to the Citadel after the suicide mission was deemed a success (despite Cerberus' opinion) had been more than merely "unpleasant".

When the Normandy docked, shrouded in Cerberus yellow's and whites, C-Sec Operatives circled the entrance to the docking bay, weapons readied and all. Commander Bailey strode away to a private C-Sec hover-car with Shepard closely in front of him, cuffed and furious.

By that time, a crowd had surfaced to see the spectacle that was Commander Shepard.

From dehydration and lack of rest, a dormant side of Shepard had emerged. Shepard thrashed and bucked in his confines and Bailey had to practically /shove/ the man into the hover-car.

Shepard continued to shout obscenities inside of the tight space and writhed in the back seat.

Swiping away a bead of sweat from his forehead, Bailey heaved a sigh and turned to look at the terrified C-Sec officers in the driver and passenger seat of the hover-car.

He nervously chuckled and waved his hand in dismissal. The hover-car took off into the air and Bailey swore he could still hear Shepard hundreds of feet away. Limping back to the Commons, Bailey swore. Damn bastard got a good kick in his leg. Shaking his head in more nervous laughter, his eyes followed the trail of where the hover-car was headed and muttered under his breath "He's their problem now."

As soon as Shepard had arrived at the Presidium Embassies, the driver of the hover-car held Shepard by him arm and guided him to Councilor Udina's Office, sacred to death at the fiery glare he was rewarded with.

Shepard has stayed relatively calm on the brisk walk there, slightly embarrassed (but refusing to show) by his display of actions in the Commons.

The door chimed open and Shepard's gaze rested on the 1st face he saw: Anderson. Their eyes met briefly until Anderson turned his head and whispered into Admiral Hackett's ear.

Shit.

The Admiral had never had a true liking for Shepard, though he did know he was a damn good solider and held high respect for him. But from the known events Shepard had been involved in with Cerberus, it had only hardened the mans attitude towards him.

The C-Sec officers quickly saluted the Admirals and Council and left without a word.

Councilor Udina squared his shoulders and tried his very best to intimidate the Commander with a glare. Not evening earning a flinch in, he bowed his head at the stack of papers below him and stated, "Commander John Shepard of the Normandy, you stand before us today on the account of treason."

Now /that/ was the reaction he went for. Shepard visibly tensed and his jaw locked hard.

He continued. "You are accused of working with the terrorist organization; Cerberus, what say you Commander Shepard?" Udina put an edge of emphasis on 'commander' to see he could receive another glorious reaction from Shepard. The twitch of his shoulders proved to be enough.

The Commander took in a shaky breath and eyed Udina down rather calmly. "Cerberus and I only forged an /agreement/, sir. I help them investigate the disappearance of humans on human colonies..." Shepard trailed and of lowered his head slightly.

"And? What was Cerberus supposed to award you in return?"

Shepard's gaze lost some of its intensity. "I get to live."

Udina erupted in loud banter. "That /can't/ just be it Shepard! Cerberus built you practically from the ground up!" The Councilor crossed his arms on the desk before him. "For all we know, you could be a puppet for the Illusive man, just a shadow of the real /Commander/ Shep-"

Admiral Anderson quickly cut him off. "Enough Udina, when Shepard first arrived on the Citadel months ago, /extensive/ scans were preformed on him, confirming the fact that this /is/ Shepard." Anderson locked eyes with him again, allowing Shepard some sort of comfort.

"I still have my doubts." Udina grumbled.

Admiral Hackett took the time to look at Shepard rather carefully as the Asari Councilor explained the reprimands for treason against the Alliance. Parts of his face glowing as if rivulets of fire had streaked through his skin. The pupil of his eyes a sickeningly red color, his mouth pressed into a tight line, veins protruded in his neck as he held his tongue.

"Will you accept this detainment given to you?" Tevos looked at Shepard, fear danced across her features briefly as Shepard mirrored her stare with more ferocity.

Shepard clicked is tongue against the edge of his teeth before his spoke "Do I really have a choice?"

Admiral Hackett seized advantage of the time to speak. "Commander, if not for the deeds that you had preformed on the Collector base and not granting the Illusive man control the monstrosity, you would have been tried under high treason, court marshaled, or life in prison."

Shepard snapped his eyes over to the Admiral and squinted slightly at the man. "Like being detained and relieved of duty would prove to be any better?"

"It sure as hell would Shepard." Hackett threaded his fingers together and rested his white-stubbled chin on the digits. "You are to stay on Citadel unless told otherwise and if permission is granted, you /must/ have an escort."

Shepard chewed on the inside of his lip, head pounding, heart beating loudly.

"You are here by relieved of duty and the Normandy will be confiscated and stripped of it Cerberus upgrades." Udina avoided Shepard's gaze as he spoke. Shuffling his papers and the letting his eyes travel upwards, Udina noticed Shepard still standing there, /shaking/ "Dismissed" he said promptly.

Anderson stood from his seat on the podium and unlocked Shepard's shackles and clapped Shepard on the shoulder.

Rubbing at his wrists, Shepard looked to his left at Anderson and forced what he called a small smile but to others would be an awkward twitch of the mouth. Instantly his "smile" turned into a grimace at the realization that he had lost his ship, his crew.

Fire soared in his blood as he hastened away from Anderson. Anywhere was better than here.

Having to half-run to catch up to the man, Anderson grabbed at Shepard's fore arm. Shepard spun on his heel and the look in his eye so acrid, Anderson grimaced. Shepard had always been a hard, strong man that demanded the respect of not just his inferiors, but his superiors as well, and did he get it. But the man Anderson knew wasn't /like/ this.

Shepard softened and shook his head apologetically. He bowed his head low. "Anderson, I-"

"You don't have to say it Shepard. It's all very hard to take in." Anderson shook Shepard's arm a little as he spoke so the younger man would look at him. "Be thankful I was able to convince Hackett and the rest of the Council for the lowest penalty possible."

Shepard straightened his back and let Anderson lead him into the elevator.

"Welcome Admiral-" Avina began.

"Presidium Commons" Anderson said quickly.

Shepard put his hands on his bent knees, eyes shut tightly as the lump welled rather large in his throat.

Before Anderson could offer anymore words of comfort, the elevator door briskly opened and in came a marching Kaidan Alenko with data-pad in hand.

Nearly bumping into the Admiral and dropping his data-pad, Kaidan scurried backwards a little and saluted Anderson. "Admiral And-," Kaidan trailed off as soon as hazel met with bluish/red.

The elevator doors closed and silence flooded the small space. Kaidan was at a lost for words and he stared dumb-founded at Shepard.

Shepard stared back and simply said "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes Alenko?"

Kaidan Swallowed.


	3. Restless

**_Day Three: Restless_**

It was rather annoying to Kaidan that the Asari preferred to keep their starships at a temperature that constantly had him trembling. He curled up into a tight fetal position, blanket enveloping him up to his neck with the little warmth that it could offer. Shivers kept running up and down his spine, causing him to twitch every now and again at the discomfort it brought.

Kaidan couldn't will himself to get up and simply grab another jacket from his duffel bag in the corner of the private room. But...it just wasn't the same.

Kaidan could remember late nights on the _Normandy_, Shepard in the War Room, neck craned over the holo-table, searching planetary systems nearby for any signs of possible War Assets that could be useful to them in the war, hell, Shepard would take practically _anything_ if it meant another helping hand.

Kaidan would sit on the steps leading to the inter-comm room, watching the weary but stubborn man switch from nebula to nebula, trained eyes scanning over every sweep of space. A dismal look would etch itself on Kaidan's face as the man before him slammed his fist onto the table, shoulder's shaking from the rage that threatened to shatter this veil of indifference he began to wear as the war raged on. Kaidan knew Shepard felt he wasn't doing enough, he knew that Shepard blamed himself almost more than he blamed the Council for not being prepared to thwart the Reapers.

So many nights went on like this. At the same time every night, whether it be after a priority mission, or just merely doing side missions in the hopes of gaining support from other Fleets, Kaidan would find Shepard, slumped over the holo-table, searching. Barely noticing Kaidan tip-toe into the room around the holo-table to sit behind Shepard on the cool steel of the steps.

And Kaidan could never figure out why he always came up to see the Commander. He knew that is wasn't because he believed the man needed the company. Shepard was never an extrovert, though over the years he had learned to play the part of one quite well.

No matter how late at night (or early this particular day) it was, Kaidan's cheeks would flush as he would pass through to be scanned for weapons. The two women guarding the door would salute him and every time he walked through, he could hear the constant whispering and gossip behind him. It...was a tad off-putting to visit your Commanding Officer in the wee hours of the morning for no reason, none other than to just sit there, not uttering a single word. But it didn't bother Kaidan, well, not _too _much at least.

In almost a routine way, Kaidan would watch the olive skinned man gather his barrings, square his shoulders and continue to scan the table, as if the sudden outburst had never occurred.

Kaidan rested his head on the railing to the left him, quivering from the feel of the cold steel to his scalp, but chuckling lightly to himself at the thought of how a dent would form as soon as he would sit back up. He already spent more time than was truly necessary in the mornings to get his little hair bump to be perfect. It'd be an entertaining sight to say the least.

Shepard shifted and turned at the sound of Kaidan's light snicker. The Major was hunched over slightly, sitting on -what Shepard would think to be- a rather uncomfortable stair step. His eyes were closed and Shepard could very faintly see the man trembling.

He put his hands on the table behind him to support his weight and crossed one ankle over the other. Shepard's eyes traced the man's features carefully, taking the time to put his nerves at ease and forgetting the growing weight of what the future foretells of the Galaxy.

It was Shepard's turn to feel a bit embarrassed, his tanned cheeks darkened, barely noticeable at the thought of the Major opening his eyes at any second, catching Shepard practically _staring _at him. But Shepard didn't know that Kaidan knew he was looking at him. He kept his eyes shut, self-control almost faltering as his lips fought to curl into a smile. He was the wiser and remained perfectly still, or so he thought.

Shepard chewed on the inside of his cheek and continued to eye the "sleeping" Kaidan before him for approximately 30 seconds until he shuffled the few steps it took to reach him.

Shepard kneeled in front of the Major and peeled his favored _N7 _hoodie off, and wrapped it around Kaidan's shoulders.

Kaidan's reacted by letting his eyes half-open, attempting to give himself a fatigued look. Shepard was much closer than he intended him to be. Before he was given the chance to mutter a word, Shepard lowered his gaze to Kaidan's mouth and proceeded to capture them in a chaste brushing of lips.

Kaidan's being erupted in a blaze, feeling his ears and neck grow warm at the fleeting tongue that slid over his lower lip. This kiss was short but nevertheless sweet.

Shepard got to his feet and looked at a dumb-founded Kaidan.

Kaidan looked at the jacket hanging from his shoulders, he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Shepard raising a hand.

"Keep it." Was all he said.

A silent goodnight was exchanged by direct eye contact and Shepard walked from the War Room with a slight bounce in his step, leaving Kaidan alone with his digits trailing the subtle curve of his bottom lip that Shepard's tongue swiped at briefly.

Their first kiss...

Kaidan hadn't felt so...so weightless since he confessed his feelings for the Commander back at Apollo's Cafe. Since then, they had never really gotten a moment together, but Kaidan wasn't complaining. There was a War being fought after all. There was rarely any time to steal away for more intimate settings.

Kaidan sat there for a few more minutes, still touching his lips, but also taking in the scent of Shepard that swathed him. The goofy smile never escaping his features. Shaking his head, he stood up, stretched his cramped limbs from sitting in bad posture for so long, and released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

God he felt like such a teenager. Or, at least what he thought a teenager would feel after relishing in such a moment.

Kaidan straightened and let his military instincts kick in as he proceeded to walk through the scanner. Keeping his eyes straight forward as he tried to ignore the snickers of the women guarding the door. He had completely forgotten he was still wearing Shepard's jacket, wasn't like he could stuff it in the many pockets of his fatigues if he wanted to anyway.

Against his will, a blush creeped over his nose and cheeks, but he refused to acknowledge it. A small part of him thought of pulling rank and silencing the girls with a stern glare, but he lost the nerve rather quickly and was thankful when the door to the CIC had finally opened.

The deck was quiet and a little chilly at that. Kaidan shoved his hands into the deep pockets, arching a shoulder up and turning his neck to delve his nose into the warm fabric, inhaling the scent of his Commander, shivering all the way down to the base of his spine.

Kaidan figured that back in the War Room, Shepard must have assumed he was trembling from the cool air surrounding the entire deck, deciding it best to let Kaidan have his jacket, his _favorite _one at that. But, the truth behind the matter was that Kaidan wasn't cold, he was shaking because he knew Shepard's eyes were on him. Knowing that he had his Commander's full attention, that it was just the two of them. Though there was a blurred line between nervousness and excitement. Nervous because the Commander, hero of the Galaxy, Icon of humanity, had eyes for him, _only _him, and in that moment decided to make that clear. Excitement from knowing that fact. Knowing that Shepard could have almost any person he fancied at the drop of a dime, but never let his eyes wander, always kept his gaze on Kaidan.

In a way, Kaidan saw it all as symbolic. Anxiety clouding his better judgement, What-If's always in his mind, always causing a fervent fear to unfurl in his chest. But tonight, it was laid all to rest. He understood now that, he had nothing to be afraid of anymore. That Shepard would only see him now, the first of what would be many kisses, signing it into place.

Kaidan took the elevator down a floor to the crew deck, all the while face beaming. He found his way to the Starboard Observation room, stepped inside and pulled off his clothing, almost reluctant to take off the hoodie. Stripped down to boxer shorts, Kaidan slipped on a red night shirt and shot a look over to the hoodie, laying neatly followed on top of the recliner. Biting his lip, feeling like a child all the more, he dimmed the lights in the room, strode over to pick up the jacket, unzipped the zipper until the hoodie came apart, and wrapped it around the front of his shoulders. Getting comfortable, Kaidan watched the _Normandy_ sail smoothly through the vastness of space. The stars in the distance looking so peaceful, so pretty.

Kaidan half smiled, for once, he was at ease.

It felt like almost an eternity ago when it had all happened.

Only weeks later and the Final Battle had come upon them all. They were as prepared as they were going to be. Kaidan was confident that this wretched war would come to an end with the Galaxy still intact and it's species still kicking. He was even more confident that Shepard would make it out alive, with him.

Even _thinking _his name physically pained Kaidan.

After the _Normandy_ was jarred onto another planet, Specialist Traynor had picked up frequency readings of an Asari Dreadnought just outside of the un-named planets exosphere when the power had finally been restored after hours time.

A few area's of the starship were still without power but it was the least of the problems.

EDI had been inactive since the wave had hit, throwing Joker into a blind rage.

It hurt Kaidan to watch Joker sit with her in his arms, eyes blood-shot and swollen. Kaidan knew better than to interfere, but instead, whispered silent prayers to both Joker and EDI.

After the Normandy had taken off, heading toward the Dreadnought, Kaidan stood in front of the Memorial wall even after the rest of the crew dispersed. _N7_ jacket wound tight around him, tears plundering on the soft, black cotton.

It still smelled so much like Shepard, even after all the times Kaidan had worn it since he had given it to him.

When the Normandy docked onto the Dreadnought, the crew were welcomed with food and medical attention.

Asari Tech Specialists carefully extracted EDI from Joker's weary, protesting arms and began to immediately run diagnostics on her.

It had turned out that the Asari Dreadnought wasn't the only starship around, a human-run Dreadnought and a few Turian Cruisers were present, all in the process of re-building the Relay that had been damaged in the system.

After being assigned to his own quarters on the Dreadnought, Kaidan abruptly broke down in tears once more.

He missed Shepard so much...

Blindly taking the _N7_ jacket off and throwing it on the floor, Kaidan pulled his clothes off and curled under the blankets and weeped himself silently to sleep.

Waking up only a few hours later, Kaidan's teeth clattered and his body trembled uncontrollably.

He sat up slightly and looked through groggy eyes for Shepard's jacket.

His biotics roared to life.

The jacket wasn't on the floor where he threw it.

Kaidan rushed out of bed and scoured the room from top to bottom to find the hoodie.

His heart clenched painfully in his chest as a sob broke through his throat.

The last plausible thing he had of Shepard, was gone.

Standing in the middle of the room, his biotics humming in his ear, leaving a blue tint to his skin, Kaidan stalked back to the bed, holding in a cry as best as he could manage.

He lied on his side in the middle of the bed for almost an hour without moving, shuddering from the air.

There was nothing left to cry.

Kaidan drearily looked at the clock on the side table that read, 3:27

He pulled the blanket up to his neck and looked over his shoulder at the duffel bag in the upper corner of the cabin.

He could've just grabbed another jacket.

But it wasn't the same.

I DID IT! WOOO! I seriously sat here for 2 hours and FORCED myself to write this and it actually came out pretty decent. Review review review!


	4. Snowflake

_**Day Four: Snowflake**_

Admiral Hackett did not ascend to head of the Alliance Military without trusting his instincts, and those very instincts told him that Shepard was still alive somewhere. As soon as it was presumed safe to travel back to the Citadel, the Admiral sent out a handful of search parties to scan the area.

The search had only been in motion for a few hours before Shepard was found, _alive. _

Despite the hundreds of soldiers and volunteers scouting the wreckage of the once-great Citadel, Kasumi Goto was the one to spot him first. Funny thing was, she hadn't even sought out to find the war-hero. Surviving the suicide mission was impressive, but the blast that tore the Citadel and the Relay's apart, there was no chance Shepard could have lived through that.

But indeed, fate turned the tables on death once again.

Kasumi had been picking through the Presidium Commons for anything she could get her hands on. Separated tech, DNA Encoders, spare weapon parts she could put to good use.

Rummaging through a Salarian-run stand in the Markets of the Commons, she froze the instant she heard a sharp, but quiet intake of breath. Her ears straining for other sound in the Commons, she only heard sounds in the far distance from the search party.

She stayed stone-still for another minute until she turned her attention back to stand.

Then she heard it again, and again, each time the breath coming in quieter and quieter. Gut-feeling getting the best of her, she stood from her squatted position and silently made her way over to where the breathing noises re-sounded from. With a charred mantis-rifle in hand, she followed the glistening light from what looked like…dog tags..?

A shattered pillar blocked her path, she agilely moved underneath it and pushed as hard as she could to the far right, moving another pillar out of her way.

The dust was nearly unbearable while she treaded through ash and rubble.

Messing up my favorite suit like this, thought, pushing past more wreckage.

Speck of light..? No no, might've been just a mirage. A certainly welcomed mirage if it were of Jaco-

Almost buried in debree, Kasumi stood before a barely alive Shepard, dog tag hanging around a bruised and dirty neck.

"Shepard.." She said breathless. Dropping the rifle, Kasumi fell to her knees and wiped the ash from Shepard's swollen, bloodied face. She checked his pulse in artery's in both his neck and wrist, reassurance washing over her as she picked up a weak _thump _of a heart-beat.

Instantly, she pried Shepard through the Commons once she was able to get him on his feet. Left arm swung over her neck and most of his body weight leaning on her, Kasumi had a rough time guiding Shepard to help.

Knowing she'd get caught the moment a Spectre —that would most likely be guarding a search party— laid eyes on her, but, that didn't trouble her the least bit.

—

Almost half an hour trudged by and Kasumi finally found help. She ran into a small search party that was mostly civilian volunteers, and laid Shepard as carefully as she could manage on an intact bench. Kasumi smashed her fist through a wall a few feet from Shepard, knowing the sound of glass hitting harshly on the floor would alarm one of the scouters. Cursing quietly and biting her lip to prevent herself from making a sound, she looked at Shepard, briefly watching his chest rise and fall.

Quickly squeezing Shepard's darkened hand, Kasumi became invisible and whispered, "Looks like I _do _owe you that drink Shepard." And with that, she vanished.

—

When the news had reached Admiral Hackett, a smug smile settled on his lips. His instincts would _never _fail him. Hackett sent a mass-message to the search party that recovered Shepard, saying, 'Stay put and a shuttle will arrive soon enough to collect Shepard. I do not want the news to spread beyond yourselves and the rest of the search groups in the area. It would be best to alert the public after he has recovered somewhat. Do _not _tell others beyond the search parties.'

Hackett set the data-pad onto the steel desk in-front of him and propped his feet up, leaned his chair back, and lit a cigarette. His eyes trailed after the stars in the far reaches of space behind the glass of the window. Shaking his head lightly with a slight smile tugging at his aged mouth, he muttered to himself, "Lucky bastard."

—

Shepard's eyelids fluttered open to a very bright light and to a very _close _Miranda Lawson. Jerking back a little, pain accumulated in the base of his spine and right behind his eyes. Trying to howl in pain, what came out instead was a groan, rumbling in the pit of his chest.

"Shepard calm down, you're okay now," Miranda's usual strong tone was absent, it reminded Shepard briefly of the way she talked of her sister, Oriana.

He felt a cool hand rest on his cheek and rub half-cresent patterns near his temple, almost lulling him back to sleep.

Then it all hit him at once, but this time when he jerked up, he nearly fell off the hospital bed.

"Shepard!" Miranda held his squirming, scarred, face in her hands. Asking him to no avail to calm down.

Shepard snagged away from her and shouted, "Kaidan! Where's Kaidan?" The IV's stuck throughout Shepard's body started to slowly detach from his skin, spraying fluid over the bed and his gown.

Tears rolled down his bruised cheeks, the deep, ragged, scars from the Lazarus Project looking almost as raw and fiery as they had back then.

Miranda tried to keep Shepard on the bed, trying even _harder_ not to force him to stay with her Biotics. She groaned as she used every ounce of force to keep him down, afraid that his movement would cause his body to react and throw him into shock/

Screaming and clawing at the various wires strung around his body, anguished wails tore themselves from his throat, mixed with the rage burning in his eyes.

"Kaidan!"

Shoving a needle riddled with sedatives into his right forearm, Miranda covered his mouth with her hand and winced at the vice-like grip around her arm.

"Kaidan, is fine." She breathed. "But he can't see you yet, you're not ready."

Shepard stopped writhing and struggled to listen as his mind began to glaze over.

"You were near dead when I got my hands on you Shepard." Shepard release Miranda's arm, hands falling limply to his lap, eyes almost rolling backwards. "Your synthetic upgrades kept you alive." She reached her hand to Shepard's cheek again. "It was touch and go for a while…"

"Where's. Kadi-"

"Shh, shh," she rubbed at the area below his temple, hoping it aided in calming him down. "He's fine, I promise." Shepard relaxed into her touch. "He'll be here to see you soon Shepard."

Miranda withdrew her hand and backed away from Shepard. He could barely hold his neck up and look at her, so he settled to look to his right. A very large window displayed a stunning view of a tall, mountainous, landscape. Snow blanketed everything as far as the eye could see. Trees stood proudly in the distance, swaying heavily from side to side with the chilly wind bringing snow to settle on its branches.

Shepard exerted every last bit of strength he had to reach up to his neck, feeling for his dog tags only feeling the thin material of his gown.

His mind was completely clouded and his vision followed suit.

Before he fell unconscious once more, he watched a flurry of snowflakes kiss the window, dripping away almost as soon as it fell on the glass.

—

A sharp rap on the door jarred Kaidan from his rest and groggily he spoke, "Come in.."

In stepped a weary looking Garrus with package in hand.

"Shit," Kaidan moaned, covering himself with a blanket.

Garrus held up a hand and chuckled, "Hey, you _did_ say I could come in." Garrus sat at the edge of Kaidan's bed and handed him the small, brown-ish box wrapped together with a single white string.

He dropped the blanket and took the package, cheeks blazing as Garrus looked his body over. Another laugh. "Kaidan calm down, I'm only messing with you."

Kaidan snorted as he torn open the box, heart almost stopping.

Dangling from his fingers were scratched up, but mostly clean dog-tags that read N7 on the front, with Shepard's identification information on the back…

When the initial shock wore off, Kaidan noticed Garrus holding a data-pad out to him. Looking at Garrus with tears welling in his eyes, he took the Data-pad and a shaky hand found its way to cover his mouth.

**From:** Admiral Steve Hackett  
**To:** Major Kaidan Alenko  
**Sent:** 11.08.2188CE  
**Subject:** Shepard Alive

I know that you and the Commander were, close, and I wanted to apologize for not informing you of his condition sooner. He was found a few months back by a search team I sent to the Citadel, barely alive. Slowly, but steadily, he is regaining strength, and constantly asking for you.

As soon as he was found, I took the liberty to send his dog-tags to you via Cruiser along with tech that could possibly help with the re-activation of your Enhanced Defense Intelligence system.

I decided to keep his state of being in secrecy for a while for necessary precautions, I'm sure you understand.

But do not worry, within a few more months, he should be back on his feet, with more cybernetics to keep him stable, though, they are quite visible this time.

As soon as this happens, I'll make certain you're the first to see Shepard.

Stay safe.

-Hackett


	5. Haze

**_Day Five: Haze_**

Glossy blue-red eyes flickered open to gaze at the high ceiling aloft.

Blinking back the film in his eyes, the rest of Shepard's body didn't want to cooperate with him just yet as he tried to lift himself up. The entirety of his body felt, not quite paralyzed, but numb, only his neck and jaw complying to the signals his brain shot through the rest of his nerves.

Minutes dragged by and his temper started to fume. Shepard assumed that he was in a medical facility, considering that there were about four separate IV's on either side of his arms and legs.

His bed was pushed to the far left of the rectangular-like room. Up against a grand window with a heart-monitoring machine beside him.

He closed his eyes tight and drawled in a deep breath, scars on his face flaring slightly.

More successful with moving his limbs on his second try, Shepard carefully extracted each fluid-dripping needle from his forearms. He puffed out a strained breath while sitting himself up, arms aching from the sudden pressure. The blanket that encompassed Shepard slipped from his upper torso, down just below his knees. His eyes widened and his jaw went slack at the sight before him. On the sides and insides of his firm thighs, thin, steel plates (that resembled the sides of leg braces) were embedded deep in his skin. He turned his legs from side to side, scrutinizing the harsh contrast of the black synthetics against the olive tone of his skin.

Shepard dragged the rest of the cover off of him and saw the implants stretched down to his ankles as well.

Eyes roaming up and down his legs, a shaky breath blew past his dry lips.

He swung his legs over the bed and gradually worked his feet onto the floor. Chills ran up and down his spine, forcing his shoulders to tremble.

Shepard took baby steps to get between the tight space of his bed and the window, all the while staring at the foreign implants decorating his legs. He pressed his right tricep on the cool glass and absentmindedly stroked the nape of his neck.

The view was more than incredible by just a hair. Trees adorned the slopes of the mountains in the distance, snow fell down gracefully over the landscape, leaving the air in a flurry haze.

Haze..

A word that fit so well with his thoughts.

Waking up, unaware of his surroundings would have thrown him into a panic, possibly even in hysteria. But he just felt so _tired. _He didn't have the will-power, nor the fortitude to back up his initial reaction. His thoughts tumbled along his mind, disorganized and bleary, causing him to be frustrated with himself.

And these…whatever they were running up and down his legs, made him feel almost weightless. He could move around sure, but he didn't feel totally in control of the limbs.

Shepard rested his head on his bicep and continued to tentatively touch at the smooth hair on the nape of his neck.

He dipped his fingers down a little lower and jerked his hand away when he felt the edge of steel.

Stepping back from the window, Shepard looked back and forth between both of his hands and threw one over his shoulder to touch the implant and the other below to reach around and feel as well. Latched onto his spinal chord was another synthetic with identical texture that his leg implants had. It was very thin in width, the material was rather smooth but still procured deep ridges on its surface.

"They are more visible than before but-"

Shepard jumped at the silence of the room being broken. He instinctively grabbed for his pistol and automatically felt a bit dim, forgetting he was stripped of all his weapons and armor.

Shepard pivoted in the direction of the voice and tensed at the face he saw.

Miranda, arms crossed as always, stared at Shepard, giving him a moment to calm down. She analyzed him quickly, picking up on the alarmed expression written across his face. His fingers twitched as she cocked her head to the side a bit.

Taking a single step forward, the muscles in Shepard's shoulders visibly tightened. Miranda retracted her foot and stood still for a few more seconds until Shepard was at ease.

"Shepard I-"

"Don't." He cut sharply.

Wanting nothing more than to throw caution to the wind and just approach Shepard, Miranda held her ground and waited for him to speak.

Eventually he did. "I want to know, where in the hell am I," Shepard pointed at the synthetics on his back and legs and continued, "And I'd like to know why the fuck do I have these!" nearly shouting by the end of his sentence, Miranda gave him another moment to collect himself before she spoke.

"Shepard, would you like to know the condition you were in when we recovered you from the Citadel?" With each word, Miranda stepped closer and closer to Shepard. "Not as worse off as you were when Cerberus found you nearly three years ago of course," Miranda was at the left side of the small bed, giving Shepard little space.

Her bright, tired eyes locked with Shepard's. "You had fractures and broken bones up and down your legs, spine barely intact." She motioned at his synthetics as she spoke. "That last bit of tech in you when we preformed Project Lazarus was your life-line Shepard."

Shepard clenched his jaw and refused to break eye contact with the woman.

"These plates are what is helping heal and keep your bones straight and in place." She inched around the bed to the window and leaned her right shoulder on the glass. "As for where you are," Miranda glanced out of the window and for a instant, almost lost herself in the gust of flakes hitting the glass. Turning her gaze back to Shepard, she said "You're on Arrae."

"The old Cerberus Station?" Confused, Shepard's brow furrowed and the lines on his forehead appeared. "But, but I was on the Citadel right above Earth," Miranda peered back out of the window and wrapped her arms around herself.

"When you were found by the Alliance, the starship that brought you in had limited medical supplies. Shepard you were barely alive and we didn't know what to do." Miranda stood up straight, tilted her head downward and rubbed her forehead. "I was on a nearby ship and I was contacted immediately when you were discovered."

"But that doesn't explain how I got all the way to Arrae." Miranda noticed Shepard's knee's quivering and advised him to sit on the bed. Fighting it for a moment, Shepard finally sat. Miranda took a seat on the very edge of the bed.

"When the relay was blown, Admiral Hackett ordered a small fleet of ships to search for the nearest relay. One was finally found heavily damaged, but not as bad as the relay in the Sol system." She raised a gloved hand to her scalp and ran her fingers through the silky blackish hair. "Hackett told a few ships to go through the relay, even though we didn't actually know where we'd end up." Shepard sat deathly still. Hackett wouldn't endanger lives like that..

"Luckily enough, we ended up in Minos Wasteland, and was able to get you to Arrae." Miranda looked around the practically empty, white room and whispered, "Exactly the way I remember it.."

"Where's Kaidan."

Miranda tried hard not to smile, not having the faintest idea why she found this all so, _amusing_. She remembered having to force Shepard into unconsciousness, kept hearing him shout Kaidan's name. It was funny, because it felt like almost an eternity ago when she wished Shepard would have yelled her name in desperation and need like that.

"He's been notified. He'll be here," Miranda, placed her hand over Shepard's deathly cold one and internally smiled when he didn't jerk away. "You'll see him soon."

With that, Miranda left the room to find him something to put on his trembling shoulders.

Walking back in in record time, she stopped in the doorway. Shepard was facing the window again, elbows on his knee's and his face in his hands, body shuddering every few seconds.

She dropped the thick, black blanket on his back and squeezed his shoulder before she disappeared again.

Shepard tugged at the blanket and looked into the glass, scantily able to see his reflection.

Bruises colored the skin around his face, neck torso and his upper arms, but the skin around the implants on his legs were a dark purplish blue hue. Touching at the skin softly, he hissed.

When the pain subsided, Shepard wrapped the blanket around himself tighter and went back to looking at the scenery outside.

Clouds were weaving in between the trees, making a thick curtain of fog. He could still see the tips of the trees, poking their heads up above the fog, making what looked like specks of black peeking out from the extensive sheet of grey.

A smile creeped over Shepard's mouth.

Kaidan always did appreciate breath-taking terrain like this.

Shepard could see himself and Kaidan wading through the haze that was the abundance of the grey fog.

He could see Kaidan running through the tree's, weaving and dodging branches without a care in the world. The destruction of Earth left in the far reaches of their mind. All that mattered, was the sublime setting stretched as far as the eye could see. The earthy bouquet that reached into their lungs, almost cleansing away the remnants of ash and gun powder.

Shades of grey enveloped Shepard's sight, only making the vista come off more…delicate.

Shepard had finally caught up to Kaidan, he was standing erect in what looked like a small clearing of the trees. His head was held high, eyes fixed on something in the air above him. The fog still hung heavy over their heads, making each breath a little ragged from humidity.

Shepard stepped closer to Kaidan until he was right behind him. Nimble fingers traced the contours of a strong neck, fingers dipping down to brush over his clavicle bone.

Kaidan abruptly turned around and a part of Shepard quietly died inside.

Blood was speckled across his pallid face, his features contorted in such a way, it had Shepard's heart breaking all over again.

_Don't leave me behind…_


End file.
